Family Meeting #2

Many of our friends and family don’t know what to make of our move to India. For 20 years, we lived in the same neighborhood in Los Angeles. We raised our three sons in that house and even birthed the last one on the bathroom floor (but that’s another story.) Our friends and family are trying to figure out why now, why Mumbai, and in many ways, it is still a mystery to us.

The short answer is that Robin, my husband of 23 years, who describes himself as devilishly attractive, stunningly handsome, smart, sexy, charming, witty, and modest, works for a company that was purchased by Reliance, a huge Indian conglomerate that owns a start-up in Mumbai. The company does the same digital restoration Robin did in Southern California, on a mammoth scale. In an attempt to ensure job security, he put his name in the hat to move to India and head the operation here. He liked the idea of helping build a company from the ground up and we were both excited about the prospect of traveling to a new country with our family.

I haven’t ruled out the possibility that we are collectively suffering a mid-life crisis and we decided to move away from everything we built in the last two decades in a desperate attempt to revive a boring and static life. It is also very possible that we have lost our minds.

The real answer is circuitous, complicated, and complex. It involves politics, economics, fate, and circumstance. We have asked deep and perplexing questions like “If not now, when?” and we have made simple declarations like “A change is as good as a rest.” The answer is both ambiguous and stunningly obvious. For so many reasons and none especially, India seemed like a good place to be and the move promised to offer adventure and perspective.

October 2008 was buzzing with pre-election excitement and economic calamity. Company after company posted reports of financial instability and ruin. Car companies, banks, and other American institutions were laying off workers and filing bankruptcy. The lame duck president threw unregulated money at the problem and borrowed from China in an attempt to stall and hopefully avoid economic meltdown. Still the news was not good.

I am a lot of things. I am a filmmaker, I am African American, and I am a mother and a wife. When people ask how I manage a career and a family, I mention with a smile that I don’t do any of it well. I am a writer and I’d like to think I am funny but my children point out that my kind of humor isn’t always funny and sometimes it makes them cry. I remark that making little kids cry is really funny to me.

In Hollywood, work was slow. My prestigious fellowship with Disney/ ABC as a trainee Director was not yielding any opportunities because seasoned directors were readily available to do the work. With the economic decline, TV and film were consolidating and newer talent had to compete with experienced and familiar directors who had longtime relationships and personal history in their arsenal.

We have three sons. Addae (pronounced AH-day) is sixteen and Khari (pronounced CAR-ree) is fourteen. Taj has just tuned seven.  They are all handsome and smart and they are well liked by their friends and classmates. They get along most of the time, especially when they want something or when they are trying to get something. They are all “alpha” males which can be exhausting, but we all know that when push comes to shove, Taj is in charge. In his words he’s ”the boss” and we’re “the applesauce.”

We put the boys to bed early which makes us unpopular in their eyes and sane in my eyes. They think that I am unfair and not “cool” like their friends’ moms. And while that may be true, I couldn’t care less because by 8pm, I need a break. I just need some time without ducking and dodging balls and bullets and propelled items. I need a chance to talk to Robin, to digest my meal without the smell of ketchup lingering in the air. I need to do adult things and watch TV that is not appropriate for them to watch. By 8pm, I am done and I am off duty.

When the move to India seemed inevitable and the household conversations about India were too frequent, we decided to tell the kids. We gathered them for a “Family Meeting.” Taj was three at the time and so he just hovered around playing with cars and toys as the big boys squirmed at the thought of all of the video games and play time the “Family Meeting” was infringing on.

We had decided that we would just say it plainly. From our point of view, the move was as exciting as it was challenging. We brought out the globe and a few books that we had collected on India so that our enthusiastic children could begin to embrace their new home. It was going to be like a “vacation” only longer.

“We have some good news,” one of us stated. “We are moving to India.” The big boys stared blankly for about five seconds and then as if on cue, they both burst into hysterical tears. Robin, who is English and dry by nature, looked at me across the floods of tears and said, “That went well.” They cried and cried and we thought that eventually they’d dry up but they didn’t and before long, Taj, who didn’t understand but who knew all he needed to know, which was that the parents had upset the big brothers, began to sob uncontrollably as well.  Khari screamed that we were ruining his life and that he wasn’t going and Addae just sobbed with Taj who mentioned that he wasn’t going to Indians.

After we explained about the benefits of an international experience, new job, and travel to other countries and the tears had not subsided, I decided to make lunch. Perhaps peanut butter and jelly could help with the attitude adjustment.

We hadn’t anticipated how hard it would be, how badly they would take it, and how heartbroken they would be. For days after, Khari, who was popular with his friends and thought “cute” by the girls, kept coming up with plans to move into his best friend Jake’s house and Jake’s mother, who was also traumatized by the news kept offering to take him off our hands.

They never really got excited; they just got less resentful as they accepted that running away wasn’t a good long term decision.  Eventually, by the time we left, seven months later, they did have a list of countries they wanted to visit while they were in India.

Thanks to the internet, there is a daily stream of correspondence between our Mumbai living room and Los Angeles. Jake’s mom still keeps inviting Khari to move to L.A. with them and we keep trying to explain that we actually want him to have this experience and, as objectionable as it may seem, there is value in seeing some of the world outside of our lovely neighborhood in California.

I watch the boys with their team of Indian friends. They are living in the culture, enjoying their new independence, and I am certain that we are not ruining their lives. We are adding depth and scope that was incomprehensible to them a year ago.

Just after we arrived, Khari came home from Hindi class and remarked, “You can’t really know a culture without knowing the language.” In such a few days, he was already thinking like a global citizen. I smiled and agreed and I am hopeful that Hindi sounds less foreign to me as the days progress.

22 Responses to “Family Meeting #2”

  1. Shannon L B-B says:

    I enjoyed reading “Going Native”, so when I saw you had written a new one, I was interested in seeing it. After this one, I will be excitedly anticipating more! :) I love the descriptions of your family, and am enjoying having a picture in my mind of your family life. Your youngest son reminds me of my oldest.

    I laughed throughout the story, and remember the talks we used to have as kids. I remember thinking of you as very intelligent back then, and it somehow amazes me that even back then, we are so much of what we turn out to be now. My dad (who is one of the more intelligent people I know) and I recently talked about how you can see a person’s intelligence in their humor, and I can see it in yours.

    I loved hearing about how your kids don’t think you’re funny, about the family meeting, and about learning about different cultures. I feel very blessed that I was able to travel so much as a child, and know how much it shaped me. I lived in Liverpool, England for a year as a child, and then there was Mobile. How lucky we were to have that experience!

    I look forward to the day you become a famous writer. I won’t need an autographed copy of your first bestseller, because I will just be happy I know you.

  2. nand2688 says:

    Sure a joy to share this journey with you. Such an honor to know you . Thank you for your inspiration.

  3. Asante says:

    I miss you very much I am always sad when I come to the end of your entries because I find myself wanting to read more! You are so funny and such an amazing mom, I strive to be like you though I know I have a veeeeerrrrrry long way to go. Thank you for being my amazing role model and sharing your strength.

    Love Sante

    • nand2688 says:

      Bill, the first plane is the hardest. Love you, thanks for all the Dubai and Trinidad love. Please continue to share, friend on FB and read.

      Sante, you are and will be an amazing mother. Keep a sense of humor and raise children you like. If you raise brats, it’s you who will have to live with them. We have a Brat Free, whining Free house. (With me as the obvious exception)

  4. Bill Murrell says:

    Bravo Nandi…..maybe one day my children will be able to share in the experience of being an individual of the world!!

    • nand2688 says:

      Bill, the first plane is the hardest. Love you, thanks for all the Dubai and Trinidad love. Please continue to share, friend on FB and read.

  5. Anita says:

    Dear Nandi, I was lead to ur Blog through the Bombay International Womens Club. It was getting on my nerves that on this side more and more ladies just post advertisement for their shops. First I thought U are one of them, when You posted the Invitation to read your Blog, but then I got interested. The way you described your Decision to start a new life, as well as your Family meeting really touched me a lot. At the point when your kids were starting to cry, I also had tears in my eyes. Not only, because I felt that it must be a very hard news for them in this situation and for you to recognice this, but also, because you and your family are brave enough to risk that step, that many only dream about, and you turned your life and the lifes of your sond to something special! Reading this was very inspirating for me, and I will definitely visit your Blog again…
    Best Greetings from Berlin,
    Anita

    • nand2688 says:

      thank you so much. I am so honored that our journey resounds in your life. Please keep reading and sharing and I will keep writing. I have 13 readers in Germany and am looking forward to more.
      Best from Mumbai,

      Nandi

  6. rebecca (NYC) says:

    NB,

    I love your blog entries and am ecstatic that I will be able to read your writing regularly. Your observations of life are insightful and humorous. I’m not sure if this happened to you or any of your brood, but I found myself speaking English with a Hindi accent when I was working there for 6 months. It seemed that people thought I spoke very fast and have a quite difficult American accent (as you know, everyone who speaks English there speaks with a British/Hindi accent, expressions and flare). I unconsciencely fell into the accent as I struggled to communicate with the producres and crew. I did learn a couple Hindi film making survival words for “ok”, “i understand”, “stop”, “go ahead”, quiet, please on set”, etc. but never had the time tondevote to really learn the language. This affected accent still (a couple years later) seeps out when I speak with Hindi speakers. Though I hasten to add that i resisted the urge to use the way too common British/Indian phrases of exclamation, like “mind-blowing” and “far out” in daily conversation, it was 2009, after all. I said all this to say that i think you guys will all be surprised with yourselves when you return to the States at the changes in your expressions and life perspectives. You and the family ARE now and will forever be, global citizens and i hope you will continue the blog during your de-compression when you return. I’ll look forward to reading your missives. Could be a fascinating book/film, eh?

    Many congrats and keep writing!

  7. michele s says:

    beautful story Nandi. i’m glad you braved the move. xo

  8. Benedita says:

    it was really excellent post! i always like to read this blog. thanks.http://www.capitaocaverna.net

  9. Becky Amos says:

    Nandi, we have known each other and have been friends for… at least 37 years.

    Here are the excerpts that I loved the most:

    1. I am a lot of things. I am a filmmaker, I am African American, and I am a mother and a wife. When people ask how I manage a career and a family, I mention with a smile that I don’t do any of it well. I am a writer and I’d like to think I am funny but my children point out that my kind of humor isn’t always funny and sometimes it makes them cry. I remark that making little kids cry is really funny to me.

    2. Taj is in charge. In his words he’s ”the boss” and we’re “the applesauce.”

    3. After we explained about the benefits of an international experience, new job, and travel to other countries and the tears had not subsided, I decided to make lunch. Perhaps peanut butter and jelly could help with the attitude adjustment.

    4. …kept coming up with plans to move into his best friend Jake’s house and Jake’s mother, who was also traumatized by the news kept offering to take him off our hands.

    5. Jake’s mom still keeps inviting Khari to move to L.A. with them and we keep trying to explain that we actually want him

    6. Just after we arrived, Khari came home from Hindi class and remarked, “You can’t really know a culture without knowing the language.” In such a few days, he was already thinking like a global citizen. I smiled and agreed and I am hopeful that Hindi sounds less foreign to me as the days progress.

    Nandi, I (we) love you and anything that is you and yours. Times are hard back here at home though, know that… but home is home and I (we) am/are here to support you and yours an ANY WAY that you need or want. I certainly am, really, know that for real, really.

  10. Becky Amos says:

    Here is another one that I loved!

    7. Do you have children?” she asks, making polite conversation. “Three.” I say, wondering if she is asking me because their big-assed heads have left an indelible birthmark that my husband has been too polite to mention. Why am I here?

    Gurlll, you so funny!

  11. I am very inspired along with your website as wisely using the structure for your weblog. Is this fact the compensated theme or have you colorize it for you your self? Either way keep up the excellent quality composing, it is uncommon to see an excellent blog such as this one nowadays.

  12. nand2688 says:

    Thank you for your compliments. We couldn’t find a theme that worked for what I wanted and so my husband constructed this one on Word Press. It wasn’t easy but we are happy with the results. Please keep reading and sharing. Nandi

  13. Hi there! I know this is somewhat off topic but I was wondering which blog platform are you using for this website? I’m getting tired of WordPress because I’ve had issues with hackers and I’m looking at alternatives for another platform. I would be awesome if you could point me in the direction of a good platform.

  14. Susan Dukow says:

    As I catch up on every post, I can’t help but think that you will be famous really soon… a book deal or film in the making, Nandi!

  15. MC says:

    What a stupendous tale of transition.

    I’m far removed from my sudden move to Tokyo in 1981, but this piece brought back the magic. (BTW, that life-shift proved to be the most serendipitous of my life.)

    Thanks.

    • nandi bowe says:

      Thanks for reading. We are still in the transition phase back to Ca. so I do not yet have a broad perspective but I do love the dimension that has been added to our lives. Please continue to read.

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